Frolix-8

The Minority Report - Bad Brains

It is a half-term holiday in UK Education PLC. A time when frazzled teachers grab some much needed recharge downtime and leave their institutions. Some return, however, like this example from a Computer Science department. . .

 

Palmer Eldritch : Good morning, IT Helpdesk. . .

Di Hard : Hi, I'm in the Staff Room and I can't find a USB port to plug my hard drive into. Where are they?

Palmer Eldritch : Well, if there's not one or two on the front of the computer, they're usually at the back.

Di Hard : Right. . . I can't actually see that 'computer' bit.

Palmer Eldritch : Is there one on the desk or underneath?

Di Hard : No. . . I can see the mouse, keyboard and monitor but not the computer.

Palmer Eldritch : Can you see the ends of the cables? Do they go into anything?

Di Hard : No. . .

Palmer Eldritch : OK, that sounds like you're at a thin client machine. Is there a little box on the back of the monitor that the cables go into?

Di Hard : Oh yes. . . yes, there is! Thank you!

Palmer Eldritch : And there should be a couple of USB ports on that.

Di Hard : Yes. . . yes, there are!

 

Just to repeat - that was a conversation with a COMPUTER SCIENCE TEACHER.

The Minority Report - She Cracked

Palmer Eldritch - Good morning, IT Helpdesk.

Little Miss Spritely - Oh, hi! How are you? Are you alright?

Palmer Eldritch - I'm fine, thank you. Are you alright?

Little Miss Spritely - Yes, lovely, thanks. I've got a bit of a favour to ask, really. It's about my iPhone. I've cracked the screen.

Palmer Eldritch - Oh dear.

Little Miss Spritely - Yes, it's really annoying, actually. I've got this leather case that's falling to bits and it just sort of slipped out. Anyway, there's bits of glass everywhere. I was wondering - do you have any of those screen protectors I could use to stick the screen back together?

Palmer Eldritch - I don't think we do - you can still use what's left of the screen, then?

Little Miss Spritely - Oh yes, it's fine. It's just broken.

Palmer Eldritch - Well, I shall ask and see.

Little Miss Spritely - Thank you. I suppose it's like asking for a condom after she's already pregnant! In the meantime, do you think clingfilm would work?

Palmer Eldritch - Not as a condom, no. . .

Brainwash Begins

In UK Education, gaze ye not into the abyss, lest the abyss gazes back into thee. . .

 

Palmer Eldritch : Good morning, IT Help Desk.

Hannah Main-Resources : Oh hi! IT! Thank God! I really need your help. Can you convert a file into another type of file?

PE : There are several places online to do that, I can send you a link to one.

HM-R : Oh, that's brilliant! Thanks so much. Oo - can I ask another question that's to do with that?

PE : Of course.

HM-R : Will it convert a .docx file to a .doc one?

The Minority Report - Return To The Abyss

Summer's truly gone. In UK Education, the students have returned. More disturbingly, so have the term-time staff. All it takes is five or so weeks' leave and the adult human being forgets almost everything about their job. And they expect IT Services to remind them. . .

PE - Good morning, IT Helpdesk.
M.T. Hedd - Oh, hello. Is this IT?
PE - Yes, hello, how can I help?
M.T. Hedd - Right, well, I'm trying to save a Word document and I can't. It keeps telling me I've run out of disk space. I've tried deleting the file and the folder it's in and saving again and it still tells the same thing.
PE - OK. Is the file you're trying to save particularly large?
M.T. Hedd - Ah! Yes, it is. Would it work if I split it into two files? Could I save it, then?
PE - Not really, no. . .

~ ~ ~

PE - Good morning, IT Helpdesk.
Library Ian - Hello, I have a password change for you.
PE - OK, what's the student's number?
Library Ian - I've got three numbers.
PE - Is it three people?
Library Ian - Yes. . .
PE - That'll be three numbers, then. What's the first?
Library Ian - Four-eight-seven, one-one-three.
PE - OK.
Library Ian - Shall I give you the second one?
PE - You don't have to, but if you don't, I can't change their password. . .

~ ~ ~

PE - Good morning, IT Helpdesk.
Simon Collogee - My Favourites have gone.
PE - OK, let me just check things on your profile. . . [checks Simon's network folder] Your Favourites folder has indeed disappeared from your home drive. . .
Simon Collogee - Oh! I deleted that. I didn't think I needed it.

The Minority Report - Quick And Dirty

To mark the passing of a great Educational IT guru onto bigger and better things, I give you a selection of verbal insantiy from the rareified atmosphere of the IT Tech (Educational Branch), PLC (I leave it to your good selves to guess the salaries of the speakers involved. . .):

 

"Why does it always break in the morning when we need it? Why doesn’t it break at night when there’s nobody here?"

"I found out what the problem was, I had renamed my files to a number, then ‘jpg’, not a number, then ‘dot-jpg’. Apparently this makes a difference."

"I had problems with my laptop at home last night connecting to the college network. Can I bring it in and try from in college?"

"I have tried turning the slideshow into web pages. This breaks it up into small parts. Is that just as good as having lots of little slideshows and turning them into web pages?"

"I’ve got a PC that won’t switch on. It’s probably turned off at the back but I don’t fancy bending down under the desk to check."

"Can I just cut and paste something that is “read only” into a new document?"

"Oh, I’m sorry I can’t remember the font’s name – I think my memory’s been formatted."

"If Excel was a woman. . .I’d fuck it."

The Minority Report - In Computing, No-One Can Hear Your Scream

In teaching a subject which changes perhaps more rapidly than any other, Computer Science needs staff of the utmost competence, intelligence and verve. . .

 

Palmer Eldritch : Hello, IT Helpdesk.

I.M. Dead-Inside : [low, barely audible] Hello, Dead-Inside here. We're getting no sound in D21. We've tried the volume controls on the speakers and the monitor but it's still really low [quiet, embarrassed giggle]. . .

Palmer Eldritch : Have you tried the volume control in Windows on the PC?

I.M. Dead-Inside : I don't know, is there one?

Palmer Eldritch : Yes, if you look by the clock in the bottom right corner you should see a little speaker icon you can right-click.

I.M. Dead-Inside : Er. . .

Palmer Eldritch : Or you can go through control panel and ‘sound’.

I.M. Dead-Inside : OK. And that might have an effect, will it?

Palmer Eldritch : It does have an effect. You’ll need both the master volume and the ‘wave’ volume to be up.

I.M. Dead-Inside : [clearly none the wiser] Right, I'll try. . .that, then.

---

The Minority Report - Delete Key Deleted

It's the first Monday back after the Christmas break and staff can't wait to get back to some of that lovely education. . .

 

Palmer Eldritch : Hello, IT Helpdesk.

Sam Noman : [very rapidly, clearly on the verge of panic] Hello, yes, Sam Noman here, Maths department, er, I'm in the exam hall and we're trying to get this laptop working so we can show some information to students on the big screen thing but it's not working. We can't find the 'delete' key to log on - can you send someone to rescue us?

Palmer Eldritch : The delete key is usually top-right or bottom-right, if the laptop hasn't got a numeric keypad. . .

Sam Noman : [interrupting] And another thing, the password we were given has a lower case 'i' in it but the one I have on the piece of paper in my office clearly has an upper case 'I'. Do you know which one it should be?

Palmer Eldritch : Well, I think we'd better sort out the invisible 'delete' key problem first. It might be labelled blue or grey on a black key, so it could be tricky to see - especially if the keyboard's a bit dirty. Can you see anything like that?

Sam Noman : [even faster, panic rising] No. . .er. . .should I? I mean, we looked everywhere and. . .

Palmer Eldritch : [sensing the panic may have become terminal] What make is the laptop? Is it quite an old one?

Sam Noman: I don't know! I'm in my office.

---

The Minority Report - Coarse Details

Several stories tell of a time when humans become infected with a disease which turns them into mindless zombies. In UK Education, this would not be noticed. . .

 

Palmer Eldritch : Hello, IT Helpdesk.

LibraryDrone : [in a voice suggesting imminent suicide] Hi. . .I’ve got a student who wants to know where their course details are on Moodle. . .

Palmer Eldritch : They need to log on and in the top-left it says, ‘Your Courses’.

LibraryDrone : Right. . . I don’t think that’s what he means. I mean, he asked his teacher and they sent him to me. . .

Palmer Eldritch : Well, if the teacher doesn’t know the course details, then it’s highly unlikely that either you or I would.

LibraryDrone : OK. . . Are course details on Moodle?

Palmer Eldritch : It depends what you mean by ‘course details’ Does he mean which courses he’s on, timetable, etc? Shouldn't he know that already?

LibraryDrone : Hmm. . .doesn’t sound like they are on there. . .If they were on there, where would they be?

Palmer Eldritch : But. . . they’re not on there. . .

---

The Minority Report - My Internet, My Struggle

Change can be hard to take. . .

Palmer Eldritch : Good morning, IT Helpdesk.

Mo Mentarylapse : [loudly] Hello! Where's my internet gone?

Palmer Eldritch : Mine's still here, so I think we're safe to assume everyone's is, too.

Mo Mentarylapse : It used to be on my keyboard but now I've got this new one and I can't find it.

Palmer Eldritch : Ah, you used to have an 'internet' button. I see. Well, you can also double-click the Internet Explorer icon on your desktop. . .

Mo Mentarylapse : [interrupting] I knew it! It is that one! I thought we weren't supposed to use that!

Palmer Eldritch : No, you're quite safe.

Mo Mentarylapse : OK, that's great. Thanks, 'bye!

---

The Minority Report - An Ass Out of You And Me

As everyone knows, telephone-based help systems are a bit, well, faceless. For the user, this often results in an assumption that whoever they are talking to knows them and their particular problem immediately. . .

Somewhere in UK Education it is the end of the working day, with perhaps two minutes to go until the half-melting telephone can be put down for a few hours. . .

Queen of Moans : [launching her pre-emptive strike] Oh hello. I believe that I’m supposed to be phoning you if I’ve something that’s really quite urgent to be done, is that right?

Palmer Eldritch : [pause] This is the IT helpdesk, yes.

Queen of Moans : Good. I need a PC and a projector setting up in F13 for first lesson. It’s a bit funny in there. Hannah’s covering for me and she’ll need to know what she’s doing. I'm not sure she does. So I want to make sure someone’s going to be there.

Palmer Eldritch : [another, slightly shorter pause] - OK. Lesson one when?

Queen of Moans : Tomorrow.

~~~

The following day, the mighty Queen makes another call. . .

Queen of Moans : Hi, I've been told that I need to ring through urgent requests, is that right? I was just wondering whether I can use the memory stick in the computer with the virus now?

Palmer Eldritch : [pause] You have a problem with your memory stick?

Queen of Moans : No, I’ve used it at home, I was just wondering if it's got the virus.

Palmer Eldritch : [again, a pause] Well, if you’ve already used it and no anti-virus messages appeared, then you should be OK.

Queen of Moans : - OK. So do you know what the virus is?

Palmer Eldritch : - Well, there are millions out there. . .

Queen of Moans : - [a low male voice in the background mumbles a question, Queen of Moans interrupts] . . .And is it in the registry?

Palmer Eldritch : - Pardon?

Queen of Moans : - Is the virus in the registry? I’ve just been asked to ask that.

Palmer Eldritch : - Most Windows viruses will have a connection to the registry, yes. Do we have someone else there who has a virus problem?

Queen of Moans : - No, just wondering! 'Bye!

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