This just in from the ‘Who Gives A Fuck?’ Department: my review of the new David Gray album has sparked a ‘cease and desist’-type order from some bunch of ambulance-chasing parasites calling themselves ‘Web Sheriff’. This online Magnificent Seven weren’t employed by Gray, though. Have a read of the unedited review (the bowdlerised version is here on DSD, of course) and see if you can work out whose heel my pin has poked:
| 'Despite his way with a bouncy tune and annoying neck, David Gray likes his dark subject matter. Songs here talk of ‘the howling ghost within’ (Draw The Line), ‘the murky deep’ (Jackdaw) and ‘anguished cries and old footfalls’ (First Chance). Not to mention some of the song titles. In fact it is all this, coupled with his voice, which makes one realise that Gray may actually become Van Morrison before too long. All he needs is a year or two in a bath of Jameson’s. |
| This is in contrast to the guest appearance of one Annie Lennox, on (ironically) Full Steam. I’m afraid she just sounds like Cher on steroids. That aside, Draw The Line is an accomplished work that will satisfy Gray’s MOR legions and may even win him a new fan or two from those who can look past his washed-out image.' |
So, who’s pissed? David Gray, offended at the ‘annoying neck’ jibe? Annie Lennox, for the rather wank comparison with Cher? Cher? No, it’s the loveable, cuddly old Belfast Cowboy, Van the Man, taking umbrage at the inference that his voice has received the benefit of a dram or two over the years. Or maybe it was the brand of whisky mentioned - I don’t exactly know, as the order appears to have come from some automated system. Check it:
- 1. Rights Owner(s) : VAN MORRISON / EXILE PRODUCTIONS / EXILE PUBLISHING / EXILE FILMS
- 2. Rights Agent : WEB SHERIFF
- 3. Infringed Rights : GOODWILL & REPUTATION
- 4. Infringed Artist(s) : VAN MORRISON
- 5. Infringed Title(s) : N/A (LIBEL & MALICIOUS FALSEHOOD)
- 6. Infringing Activity : DEFAMATION (LIBEL & MALICIOUS FALSEHOOD)
- 7. Infringing Web Site : dieshellsuit.co.uk
- 8. Infringing File Location(s) : http://www.dieshellsuit.co.uk/article_detail.asp?rID=4108
- DMCA Request : Please remove Infringing Activity from Infringing File Location(s) ASAP : thank you.
- 10. Signature : Deborah Sykes for and on behalf of WEB SHERIFF
It’s lovely, isn’t it? There’s more ‘infringing’ there than on Neil Young’s favourite jacket. Great signature, too, I think you’ll agree - a nice ‘human touch.’ ‘Good will’ is also now a single word, which surprised me. Notice how it doesn’t specifically say which words are at fault - you’re supposed to just know. It’s MALICIOUS FALSEHOOD and only a COMPLETE BASTARD WITH A DOG’S COCK FOR A BRAIN would knowingly publish such DEFAMATION and expect to get away with it. It’s all a steaming rack of jangling horse bollocks, of course, as DSD isn’t exactly a household name when it comes to music review web sites - it’s no Drowned In Sound or nme.com and thank Christ’s weeping wounds it isn’t, IMHO. Without the ‘Sheriff’s intervention, the review would have sat quietly mouldering like so much else on the intertubes. Ignored.
When will these idiots realise that banning something only makes people more curious about it? Denying access only elevates the desire to know why, way beyond the merits of the object itself? But I forget - while there’s money to be made from touchy millionaires, modern-day Pardoners like ‘Web Sheriff’ will continue to exist, in their foetid green ooze.
One wonders if Charlie Brooker has had Fifty Cent’s ‘representation’ breathing DEFAMATION in his ear after positing on TV earlier this week that Fiddy would enjoy being sodomised in prison? Somehow I doubt it. Brooker works for the BBC and the Guardian, who have legal teams and money. I have neither, which makes Web Sheriff (and, by extension, Van Morrison) like the ineffectual teacher who, faced with an untouchable hard core of unruly pupils, can only punish the well-behaved kid who happens to cough at the wrong time.
What defames Van the Dram’s ‘GOODWILL (sic) & REPUTATION’ more - some nonentity like your humble scribe making throwaway comments for the sake of entertaining a few people (like calling Morrison 'Van the Dram' - what kind of COCKWEASEL makes that kind of awful pun?), or some celebrity snake-oil sellers metaphorically shooting the scribe in the face and metaphorically laughing, as said scribe’s metaphorically pulverised features drip agonisingly (and yes, metaphorically) down screens belonging to mildly bored music fans across the world?
Van was one of my favourite artists, until today. I will have no more joy from Gloria. Astral Weeks is now, to me, so much astral wank. The Brown-Eyed Girl can go fuck herself up the arse with a rancid corncob. Thanks to Van and his servants, I have now wasted valuable life-minutes not only writing this drivel but also checking out his Wikipedia page and realising that he’s actually a bit of a grump who dabbled in Scientology - hence his immediate recourse to Web Sheriff when he thinks someone’s having a pop - and whose fans rival Bob Dylan’s for obsessively twattish behaviour and onanistic hyperbole. My friends and members of my family now feel the same way about a previously well-loved musician (although I don’t think they did the Wikipedia bit). Several revenue streams lost there, Van auld fella. But it’s all worth it if no-one thinks you like a drink, eh? Same again?
You can't keep us 'cause our eyes can see
Men with insight, men in granite
Knights in armor bent on chivalry’
[ Van Morrison, Tupelo Honey, 1971 ]