Frolix-8

The Origin of Species

A chap in front of me on the bus last night was wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with an odd slogan on the back - Born to Fish. Not only was this choice of headwear wrong for a man of his advanced years but the slogan was, too - he didn't have any fins, gills or even a single scale. How could his parents be fish? Unless - conspiracy alert - fish are evolving far faster than previously thought and have already caught up with us primitive mammals. Maybe the 'man' on the bus was actually a form of super-evolved Koi Carp, or next-generation Guppy.

Chemical X Factor

Other members of my family love ITV's sing-song ding-dong The X-Factor, so I found myself in the same room as it yesterday. It won't surprise you to learn that I am not an avid viewer of the programme, although yesterday's episode gave me two moments of bilious laughter.

The first came when the Cowell-bot berated one of the contestants for sounding like they were 'singing Karaoke'. Given that the entire show is based around the singing of others' well-known songs I found this criticism slightly obtuse, at the very least.

My second chuckle came when Cowell-3PO's colleague Louis Potatohead mentioned that the show was 'all about nurturing young talent' without the slightest blush or giggle of irony. The show is about the further bloating of the judges' collective bank accounts, of course, and the provision of a steady stream of tedious dross masquerading as music - the aural equivalent of a diet of lard.

There is talent on display in the show - but it sure as hell ain't musical.

Index of Gigs Blogged

Sorry to make you click AGAIN but please to be going here for the giggage. Thanking.

Section 508

This is another work-related moan, I'm afraid, so feel free to pass on by if the vagaries of web site accessibility in the education sector are not of interest to you. They're not really of interest to me, truth be told, but it's part of my job (a very murky, foetid part as you will see) so I am bound to consider it. Unfortunately.

You may have inferred from the above that I am some sort of right-wing bigot who despises disabled (or should that be 'differently abled') people. No - what I take issue with is the way that discussions about accessibility very rapidly descend into hideous nightmares of political correctness which no-one in their right minds can keep up with.

Making web sites accessible. Easy, you may think (if you've read this far and still have a functioning personality). Just keep your site nice and simple, no frilly, pointless animations or graphics and there you are - one completely accessible web site, open to all and enjoyed by all. Not so. SENDA is now law in this country and Uncle Sam's drones have something called Section 508. Both seek to address accessibility of information (amongst other things) and both inhabit this weird bureaucratic hinterland where common sense is poison. They differ in one important respect, however - SENDA is purposely non-proscriptive (presumably telling people what they have to do to obey a new law is not PC - or maybe not conducive to lawyer's bank balances) and Section 508 is. So in the UK, we people tasked with looking at 'accessibility issues' (within education at least) are looking at the 'guidelines' and trying to make sure our sites show that the institutions we work for are 'aware' of these 'issues' and that procedures are in place to ensure such 'awareness' continues and adapts to whatever requirements the institution may face. In the US, they have something called Universal Design, which has seven principles to follow and is, like a lot of US law, being used as a benchmark in the UK - before it becomes law over here, presumably.

This annoys me on several levels, as you might expect. Check out Principle Three - Simple and Intuitive Use ;

"Use of the design is easy to understand, regardless of the user's experience, knowledge, language skills, or current concentration level."

(My emphasis). So we are supposed to take into account our users' levels of patience, are we? Will providing an obvious link to an online supplier of Ritalin do the trick, as users whip themselves up into a frenzy within seconds of trying to find the 'contact us' section of our web site for a telephone number so they can ring up for a printed prospectus? It gets better - Principle Four - Perceptible Information ;

"The design communicates necessary information effectively to the user, regardless of ambient conditions or the user's sensory abilities."

(My emphasis again). How is a web site supposed to take into account all its users' 'ambient conditions'? Aren't they the responsibility of the user, or whoever owns the geographical location the user happens to be in? I'm starting to sweat but here's Principle Seven - Size and Space for Approach and Use ;

"Appropriate size and space is provided for approach, reach, manipulation, and use regardless of user's body size, posture, or mobility."

I'm pretty sure the sites I build and run do not prejudice lard arses - unless by not having a constant stream of messages about how great exercise is counts (actually, looking at the current round of McDonald's ads makes me not so sure about this). I'm also pretty clear that it's not my responsibility whether they're too fat to use a mouse or not.

I've said this for several years and whenever anyone mentions 'accesssibility' to me - I have no argument with the underlying principle of 'accessibility for all'. My only gripe is that no-one seems to have an ounce of common sense about how to implement it. But then we are living in a world where some chap has just broken the world land speed record for the blind in his specially-modified BMW, so evidently the notion of 'common sense' has gone the way of the Penny Black and the half-penny coin - some old people remember it but it isn't used any more.

Get In There

PKD's time- and death-defying novel Ubik has made Time magazine's 'All Time Top 100 Novels' list. This list can only be written at the end of time, of course, but still it's a nice gesture. Some bloggers have already started saying that they wouldn't have picked Ubik as PKD's entry on the list. They need to get over themselves, of course.

They're Taunting Me

Curse you, boingboing. Two days off work and once again I return to a deluge of the weird and wonderful, for example; this worth1000 competition looks to show the future (or even the present in some cases), there is a very entertaining piece by one 'Edgar Allan Seuss' here, Davecat is a black man with a real doll (or should that be RealDoll?) who, to my mind, bears a more than passing resemblance to that Austrian chap who invaded Poland not so long ago, this is absolutely mental, the ideal set for your next miniaturised mugging, this is also mental, as is this, this, this (just for the two Gs), and finally, this.

Aim Low

Home-made sign seen outside a church - "Make Parity History". There's nothing like aiming low and finding your target straight away.

The one which really gets me, though, is one I have to pass every day - outside a pub which shall remain nameless (for the time being). "Try our Sunday Carvreee". For fuck's sake.

Gig Blogged #19 - Saxon @ JB's, Birmingham

Saxon@ JBs, Dudley, Monday 17th October 2005

	It would be very easy to take the piss out of Saxon. My musical upbringing was Heavy Metal of the traditional kind, so it may surprise you to learn that I missed out on the band altogether during those formative years. Never bought an album, never recognised their songs on the radio. So it would be easy to describe tonight’s gig as yet another midlife crisis for the Midlands and then go on to reel off a string of references to Spinal Tap, together with several NME-type ‘ironies’ regarding age. It would be easy. I could giggle uncharitably about the beret-wearing guitar tech, apologising that the phrase ‘gay Satan’ kept flashing through my mind as I looked at him. I could also make the witty observation that the band appeared to have Terry Pratchett’s less famous brother on guitar. I could mention, hilariously, that they appear to have grabbed all the song titles Iron Maiden didn’t get to in time. All this would be easy. It would also be wrong and completely unfair on a band who made excellent noise and entertained a full house for about two hours. They may look like they’ve got grandchildren, but what would you rather have – a grandfather who dresses in his most immaculate Dunn & Co tweed for an evening at the British Legion, or one who howls like a banshee and makes nightclub walls sweat? Exactly.
bil and I decided to forego any support act and headed for the Beacon Hotel in Sedgeley to sample their renowned ale and atmosphere. We should’ve set off earlier – it’s practically the perfect pub. No music, no game machines, several little snug rooms with ancient leather seats and a bar with several low slots at waist level through which the beers mugs are passed. bil had a mild, I had a Surprise (no, that’s the name of the beer) and both were stupendous. We were well set for the evening.
	After going to gigs recently where performers have been seldom acknowledging the presence of the audience, much less engage them in conversation, Biff Byford’s mildly abusive Barnsley banter was quite refreshing. “We’d better go careful tonight, I don’t think you can take much in your condition!” was his welcome – most of the crowd being long-standing fans of a certain vintage, much like the man himself, of course. “Do you want the eighties set, or the Lionheart set?” resulted in five minutes of incoherent bellowing from the crowd – Biff had a set list anyway of course, which was mostly oldies. Two tracks only from the new album, which was a shame as it stands up very well in comparison with the famous classics (Denim & Leather, 747 (Strangers in the Night), Heavy Metal Thunder et.al.).
	After the half-way point a Brummie behind us could restrain himself no longer and repeatedly roared “Play eet lao-dah! Tell ‘im tuh play eet loudaaah!” Thankfully no-one paid him any attention, as the volume was perfect – no permanent ear damage. bil and I could even converse on the way home without getting recurrent tinnitus. Which was nice. The most uncomfortable part of the gig for everyone’s ears was the fire alarm going off. This was more like an air-raid siren and for a minute we thought it was part of the act. “We’ve already done Strong Arm of the Law, you dick” grumbled Biff as the howling ceased. Apparently the temperature of the venue was just too high for the poor, sensitive system.
	Every song was played like it was the last, which is always a good rule-of-thumb for bands. I was concerned about the bass player, though. He was flinging his head around so much throughout the gig that by the time we reached Witchfinder General in the first encore I thought his neck would snap. We all enjoyed ourselves, though, as we stepped out to our parking place right outside the venue doors to the dulcet tones of Highway to Hell. An excellent way to spend a Monday night.
	Finally, in what is fast becoming a sad theme for these sad reviews, a shot of a cash machine at a garage on the way to the gig. Twenty bungalow points to whoever can guess correctly where it is. It wasn’t working, unsurprisingly.

Modern Signs of Ageing, Pt. 5

You have to be a certain age before you start to be annoyed by whatever adjective der yoof have chosen to use incessantly in conversation. In the past this will have been words like 'cool', 'wicked' and 'rad'. Currently it is 'random'. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!

cf. The use of 'was like' instead of 'said' (so insidious that I have fallen prey to it myself far too many times, although it depends who I'm talking to) and the so-called 'Antipodean interrogative' (or something like that, anyway), where one ends every sentence as a question? Because you're not really sure of yourself? At all? In anything you say? So you're constantly seeking reassurance from others? That you're not pathetic?

A Scanner, Currently

chainsaw panda tells us the proposed release date for Scanner Darkly The Film is March 2006. And he should know, partying with the animators and all that.

Further on the film that I for one am really hoping isn't going to be another stinker; there's a preview page here - it says the animation-on-top-of-live-action technique Linky boy's already used in Waking Life has induced motion sickness in the manner of the Blair Witch Project. I've never seen Waking Life but I did go to see Blair Witch and I did feel motion sickness (amongst other kinds of sickness). I really hope it doesn't happen again.