Frolix-8

The Minority Report - All Staff Spam

All staff spam. It's endemic. From those treating work email as an extension of eBay or CraigsList, to endless sponsorship begging or it's-for-charity garbage, it's amazing any meaningful communication gets through at all. Reading it can make for some nice office entertainment, however. . .

Ad Min - Here we go, another breast cancer thing. Why is this breast cancer stuff pink? That’s gay.

Palmer Eldritch - Pink is the colour of cancer, generally.

Ad Min - Is it? Well, they’ve got it all wrong. It should be the colour of AIDS, if anything. Cancer should be white. Or black, if it’s tumourous.

Palmer Eldritch - Someone’s selling James Morrison tickets.

Ad Min - Didn’t he die? Wasn’t he in the Doors? You’ve been had, love.

IT Manager - [sighs, evidently reading a different email] God, they keep sending these. That's not a project, it's. . .oh, God! I told them, I couldn’t come up with a reason why a project is a project and a service request is something different. I mean, the only thing I could think of is that a project is big and a service request is ‘can you come and wipe my arse for me.’

Ad Min - You don't want to start colour-coding that.

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The Minority Report - Consultation, Consultation, Consultation

'Nothing brings down trouble faster than to leave people out.' So said a great man, once. The opposite is also true, as someone found out recently in this great edifice we call UK Education (plc). The issue was, on the surface, a simple one. Students were using instant messaging to cheat during in-class tests. Should IM be blocked during tests? Or totally? Staff were consulted via a general email and that, as you may expect, is when Pandora's box flew open once more:

From: Norton Urnelly (VP)
Sent: 18 November 2009 10:54
To: Gaston Flechette
Cc: SMT
Subject: RE: “Chat” function on VLE poll

Hiya
Conscious that in asking these things some may give an instinctive/reactive response rather than considering how such a thing may in fact contribute to learning/sharing of ideas etc. Not sure (although it may appear undemocratic) that we should take action based on a poll

Norton

As you know, there's nothing worse than someone firing off an email containing an 'instinctive/reactive' response. Senior managers would never do that, thank goodness. But what of the opinion from the chalkface? Surely they can be relied upon to cut to the chase and produce the best working solution for all concerned? Well. . .

From: Ian Portant
Sent: 18 November 2009 10:18
To: Gaston Flechette
Subject: RE: “Chat” function on VLE poll

Hi Gaston.

Your poll misses an important option, which is keep things as they are.  I support this option as the on-line tests cannot be taken seriously unless taken under controlled conditions.  I’m happy with the way it is!

Ian

Cue Bruce Hornsby and his Range, I think. Or perhaps things are depressing enough as they are.

Abnormal Service Will Be Resumed As Moon As Posset Bull

Maintenance. For a week. Back Monday.

The Minority Report - Do They Make Verbal Diocalm?

Online Student Feedback. Mostly unused and pointless. And then the odd comment arrives which makes the whole thing worthwhile. . . (names and addresses changed, errors in spelling and grammar retained):

The college intranet/extranet reminds me of web design during the early 90s - bright colours with flash menus! The college intranet/extranet is slow, disorganised, disfunctional and outdated.

The homepage contains links to different areas of the intranet/extranet without any sort of categorisation. This make certain information difficult to find.

I would suggest the college intranet/extranet be redesigned so that it is more organised and complies with the latest web design standards.

I would be grateful if you can raise this issue with those within the computing department. I am sure they will echo my criticisms.

I will not be satisfied with a single response. If possible, I would be grateful if you can provide me with details of the following:

- Raising of the issue
- Reaction from the computing/IT Department
- What action will be taken?
- Related quotes and documents

I am also interested in who is dealing with this query - please provided your name and occupation within the college. Details can be sent to mimi.mee@mimimeemail.co.ck
Please omit this address from the public listing of this query.

Regards,
Mimi Mee (1st year AS student)

This student is either going to be Prime Minister or make one hell of a traffic warden. If this is the kind of mindless pedant our society is now producing, pass me my revolver. I particularly love the ambiguity about not being 'satisfied with a single response'. Do they want multiple responses? Or are they simply stating that whatever response they receive will not be good enough? And what 'related quotes and documents' are they talking about? Is this lengthy, ignorant diatribe a precursor to some kind of legal action? Whatever the truth, I know one thing - poor Mimi doesn't know much about web design. If she did, she would realise the menus aren't Flash. They're CSS. And those menu links? They're kind of categories. And the reaction of the IT Department? We're still laughing, even now.

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The Minority Report - ex nihilo nihil fit

From: Library
Sent: 22 September 2009 10:21
To: IT HELPDESK
Subject:

Computer number 60 unknown fault.

Thankyou

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The Minority Report - Through The Looking Glass, Darkly

Somewhere in UK Education, a meeting is taking place between IT Manager and two members of the Art department, who, for the sake of anonymity and sanity, we shall refer to as Tweedletwat and Tweedleshit. They are discussing the construction of a new online system, which impinges on the workload of Palmer Eldritch. Eldritch works at a neighouring desk in the same office but is not part of the meeting. He can, however, hear the entire discussion...

IT Manager - I mean, what we've got at the moment is Joan Vice-Principal dreams up an idea, Peter Vice-Principal dreams up an idea, lots of people are all dreaming up ideas. Anything's possible, the issue is time and resources.

Tweedletwat - Yeah, so if we said...what we were after...

IT Manager -  That's what we need, what you said just then - explaining what you want.

Tweedletwat - [plainly not listening] Yeah...yeah, we wondered if everyone would want this, make it for everyone. Make it generic...

IT Manager - And there's also the issue that when the new database arrives, all these sytems will stop working until they're pointed at the new database. [Tweedletwat and Tweedleshit burst into faux-knowledgable laughter]

IT Manager - Everyone's having ideas at the moment and the only person we have to do the work is Palmer. Palmer is the bottleneck.

Tweedletwat - 'Bottleneck?'

Tweedleshit - Yeah. He's a fleshy bottle.

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The Minority Report - Branded From Birth

If you're the kind of person who is concerned by the power of advertising and its effect on  impressionable minds, then click away now. Otherwise, enjoy this pair of overheard examples of the mental insidiousness of modern marketing. . .


Scene: Two teachers approach each other near the main entrance of a College. A group of students form a lazy 'gauntlet' through which both have to pass. . .

Teacher 1 : Hello.

Teacher 2 : Hi, Mark.

Student : [ snorts, giggling ] 'Primark' ? Did 'e just say 'Primark' ?

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Scene : A toilet cubicle, the end one in a row of three. Palmer Eldritch has been sat for some minutes, enjoying this rare moment of peace. Someone enters the neighbouring cubicle, dumping a large bag on the floor. Eldritch deduces from this that the person is a student. Eldritch remains silent, trying to cling to his peace for a few more precious seconds. The student 'goes through the motions', stands up, picks up their bag and prepares to leave their cubicle. On opening the door, he breaks into brief song:

Student : [ to the tune from the well-known McDonalds ads ] Doo-doo doo-doo-doo. . . just had a shit.

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The Minority Report - My Lifelong Learning Just Finished

Somewhere in UK Education, a group of students finish their exams. Palmer Eldritch cannot help but overhear their top-volume, light-speed delivery conversation...

Student 1 -  OhmyGod! Did you do the jury question?

Student 2 - Yeah, I went on for ages. I had to stop – in fact, I could’ve wrote ‘I know loads more but I’ve run out of time’ at the bottom!

Student 3 -  Ohmygod I’m so glad that’s over. That was our last exam. Did you realise?

Student 1 - Yeah! I’m really glad I did the degree, the experience? You know? But I don’t want to do any more exams. I don’t want to learn anything else.

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The Minority Report - Democracy in Action

Somewhere in UK Education, the very fabric of British Society is being picked apart...

Ad Min - So, who’s everyone voting for then?

Palmer Eldritch - Chaos, Anarchy and Death.

Ad Min - What party’s that?

Tech 1 - My voting card went straight in the recycling.

Palmer Eldritch - I don’t know what happened to mine – probably in a pile somewhere...

Ad Min - The BNP asked me to put their poster in my window.

Tech 1 - How much did you ask them for, to do that?

Palmer Eldritch - However much a new window would be.

Ad Min - [ pause, then thoughtfully ] There’s too many parties.

Palmer Eldritch - ‘Too many political parties? We can consolidate all your parties into one more manageable party…’

Ad Min -I preferred it when there was just three. Good, bad and the middle ground, that’s what I want. [ reads from web site ] UKIP. ‘Do you want Europe?’ Do I want Europe?

Palmer Eldritch - Well it’s not exactly going anywhere, is it?

Tech 1 -  UKIP – the party of cheap laughs.

Ad Min - Well, they don’t like immigration but they’ve not gone the full BNP route.

Palmer Eldritch - Yeah. Trouble is, they’re still wankers.

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The Minority Report - Carbon Fuckprint

I love email signatures. Don't you? How they spinelessly moralise, being the email equivalent of a charity mugger. I love that. Here are a few choice cuts, guaranteed original, fully carbonated and completely recyclable...

Is the printing necessary? If your printing is unnecessary, all printing will be done on one side of a single page, to save paper. To recycle the toner, please photocopy using a copier/printer.

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Think positive for success. Success in the face of advertisy.

And my particular favourite, from those wacky Librarians...

Ask an Information Expert - it's what we do. All day. Every day.

The sense of professional ennui is almost palpable, isn't it?

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