Frolix-8

Christians Laugh At Fat People Too

One more from the 'top links' widget - a poll from September 2005 in which Frolix_8 gets a mention. 'Which fat person do you like best?' is the poll question. It pains me to say so, but Frolix_8 didn't win. I know, I know. It's hard to take rejection. However, I shall find strength from somewhere and struggle on. The biblical quote in the poll-setter's sig is quite hilarious, though. As is the unexpected appearance of a massive article on building and painting the model of the Necron Monolith from Warhammer 40,000...

Breakfast Porn

Unlike the rest of t'Web I shall avoid blethering on about items which cannot be taken onto aircraft or the undersea death of the Australian Terry Nutkins. Instead, I shall regale you with something far more important - pornographic cereal names;

Porn Flakes (let's get the obvious out of the way first)
Coco Pubes
Suger Poufs
Vice Krispies
Cheery Hos
Special Lay (or Special Gay for all you homophobicphiles)
Golden Grahams (no tweaking needed)

Not quite as prolific as the pornographic board games from a few weeks ago, but still... And if Viz or somewhere already has these things down, then woop-de-doo. Have a lollipop - and suggest some more while you're at it.

Bargain Bollocks

You all know advertising is the Devil's dandruff, right? Well, there are certain aspects of it which are more the Devil's dick cheese. One such is the slogan for the Bargain Booze chain of off licences - "Making Life Richer For The Pourer". It's not the wretchedness of the pun I'm taking issue with (although it is the worst one since the song by the band Funeral For A Friend, purportedly about the miners' strike, which contains the line "Your history is mine"), it's that the slogan appears to take the piss out of potential customers at the same time as trying to make the chain seem 'friendly'. It's odd the chain went for such an ambiguous tag line, especially since its name is so up front - unless you don't consider their prices a 'bargain'.

And what's with this Magner's cider in a pint glass full of ice all about ? Selling half a pint for the price of a pint ? They must be laughing all the way to the Porsche garage.

[ Bargain Booze shop photo courtesy of Biddulph Today, where BB appears to be in competition with "Flavours - that new shop". ]

Weekend Wind-Up

Just a quick note about a couple of letters published in today's Grauniad. One, in the main paper, was from a chap saying the general antipathy towards people displaying England flags is anti-working class. Yes, it is. So what? The kind of people with little flags stuck out of their car windows at the moment probably are working class, which means they're likely to be the kind of ignorant and aggressive bastards who made the lives of kids trying to make the best of the education game at school a misery. So they deserve all the shit they get.

The second letter made me laugh so much that I'm going to type it out in full here;

I was repulsed, utterly nauseated and reduced to tears by the pictures of lambs' tongues in your food section (May 27). I immediately binned the magazine, as I couldn't bear to touch it...

Only in the Grauniad, eh? Poor woman. What she does when she sees a car, or someone smoking, I wouldn't like to think. She probably puts blinkers on before walking outside.

I'm Lovin' (Stephen King's) It

What with their salads, bags of fresh fruit and carrot-sticks-instead-of-chips option (does anybody use that?), you might be forgiven for thinking that McDonald's had successfully turned their noxious public image around. Then this ad from India comes along and banishes any such silly thoughts forever (click for full ... er ... 'joy').

Full of Eastern Promise

A distinctly oriental feel this morning, which should please the Illusionator no end;

'Cosplay, tentacle sex and robots'. Yes, it's the Tokyo Wonderfest. This is presumably why Royal Doulton figurines don't sell particularly well.

Hanoi's authorities have posted this down-to-earth advice about avoiding bird flu.

The wonders of Photoshop again, making an artful posterior even more so.

And finally, China is setting up its own Internet. Is this the Matrix of the future? UPDATE - No, it isn't.

If you're feeling a little worried by that last link, then take your mind off things by considering the physics of bounciness. Strangely soothing and educational...

Is there an award for 'Worst Blog Post Title', btw? If there is, surely this one's in with a shout?

How Carrots Breed, Part 2

Going through some old photos, I discover this from a year or so ago. Evidently there's something in the soil of my garden which anthropomorphises carrots in a sexual manner. I know this particular specimen is no relation to the copulating couple I separated, chopped and boiled last month, although he shares their exhibitionism. None of my parsnips have so far shown any semi-mammalian extremities or behaviour and apart from being globular, my pumpkins steadfastly remain wholly pumpkins in their shape and lack of copulation. My cauliflowers don't even condescend to resemble cauliflowers, much less genitals, and my onions merely sit in a scattered group as if waiting to be abducted by aliens. So it would appear that only carrots indulge in vegetable kingdom 'dogging'. For now...

Tesco and the Blue Dog (Food)

Saw this whilst shopping at the weekend - initially thought Tesco had made a booboo with their label colours but there were packets of cornflakes looking similarly blue elsewhere in the shop. Evidently in order to spot those of us 'on a budget' Tesco are dying their value range blue. I wonder why they decided to start with dog food and cornflakes?

Not Tested On Camels

This is a joke but no doubt someone, somewhere, will be selling them for real. Probably made in China to be sold on the web to Americans with their continent-wide senses of humour. It could make a good cricket box, though, as the cleft could divert the ball to one side or the other, thus further protecting a batsman's family jewels from a full-toss earth-shaker.

Cock Tales

An aside to the breast project but still PKD-related; I've noticed that whenever characters have a drink in his stories, a rule is applied. That rule being 'women drink a Tom Collins, men have bourbon and water'. Presumably this is down to PKD thinking drink in stories are not worth spending time over. Or perhaps he thought that men and women always drink the same drink. Who knows. Or dares to dream...