Frolix-8

Gibby of the Week #36 - Explorer New Century

With regard to the aforementioned instrument, I refer the honoured gentleman / lady to the answer I gave some moments ago.

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

The Crack in Space (aka Cantata-140) - "The question is: Are chimps things without interests, or persons with interests?"

The Man In The High Castle - "We don't want to be associated with something as symbolic and hateful as a swastika."

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - "...I asked this humanoid stack of square discs what Korea had to with the strike."

The Unteleported Man (aka Lies, Inc.) - "The drug also has history as a sort of truth serum administered in interrogation environments..."

Galactic Pot-Healer - "The device, currently on show only in Japan, can scan a printed sheet of Japanese text from a newspaper or magazine and churn out a translation of it in Chinese, English or Korean while retaining the original layout. Flip a switch and the linguistic parsing works in the opposite direction too."

The Simulacra - "His supporters believe he can beat his reputation as a gaffe-prone maverick."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today?

The Days of Perky Pat - "Females want to shoot guns, but they want them to look pretty, too."

The Man Who Japed - "Check out the argument on what differentiates an activist over a terrorist here."

Pay For The Printer - "Currently they are optimizing the jetting process in preparation for engineering a three-dimensional plotter-like device that can construct the tissues needed for complete organs."

The Transmigration of Timothy Archer - "We all talk about freedom of choice, but there's something very attractive about freedom from choice."

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep ? - "His film should feature non-stop robot sex."

Stability - "zero tolerance"

The Infinites - "Among other things, he will determine whether they still have the capacity to reproduce, and whether there has been any damage to their genes."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

The World Jones Made - "I saw men enter blind drunk and leave stone-cold sober."

A Scanner Darkly - "Something is deeply screwy with this scheme. "

Faith of our Fathers - "Think of the super quality. the price is quite reasonable."

Clans of the Alphane Moon - "I am campaigning for the use of anti-schizophrenia drugs in paedophilia, as these act on a similar part of the brain and may be useful."

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - “The bullet would be designed to decelerate the sensor on impact [by crushing], and leave the camera stuck to a wall, say, by a spike. It’s kind of mind-boggling to imagine setting up a sensor net by machine gun.”

The Crack in Space (aka Cantata-140) - "This work will go down as one of the most important developments in the history of science."

Sales Pitch (with overtones of A Scanner Darkly and Ubik) - “The trade-off of getting personalized content versus privacy is a concept that is accepted in the world.” [Thanks to Lewis Francis]

Shell Game - "A protection system features a flexible packaged net with perimeter weighting housed in a deployment box releasably attached to a vehicle."

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - "The size of the bio-briefcase makes it far more portable – it can even be carried as hand luggage aboard a plane."

We Can Build You - "Using a silicon tongue, which is supported by three aluminum scaffolds and wired to eight pneumatic muscles, and a lower jaw which pivots on an axle, researchers are able to program the "mouth" with data based on magnetic resonance imaging."

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The Minority Report - Poor Notepad

-----Original Message-----
From: Secretary
Sent: 24 September 2007 09:25
To: Palmer Eldritch
Subject: Help?

Hi Palmer

Do you know if there is a way to turn a table that’s in Word into an Access database, without re-typing everything? I need to do a mail merge letter and I’ve only got contact info in Word.

Please say there is!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Palmer Eldritch
Sent: 24 September 2007 09:50
To: Secretary
Subject: RE: Help?

Yes, there is. The following should do it;

1. Copy the table into Notepad (it'll appear as text with gaps where the table lines were.
2. Copy it back from Notepad into a blank Word document. You're going to do a find/replace next and Word's is better than Notepad's.
3. Do a find/replace on any blank space, replacing it with a comma
4. You should now have your data in lines of comma-separated values
5. Add a new line at the top with suitable column headings
6. Save it as a .txt file (not a .doc)
7. Open Access
8. Click File > Get external data > import
9. Select .txt from the drop-down 'Files of Type' list
10. Find your text file from step 6.
11. Click Import
12. The 'wizard' then walks you through creating a new table from your text file. Check 'first line has column headings' and make sure it has comma set as the field separator.

Looks more complicated than it is. Honest.

-----Original Message-----
From: Secretary
Sent: 24 September 2007 10:05
To: Palmer Eldritch
Subject: RE: Help?

I will give it a go! Just one quick question – what’s Notepad?

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "A spokesman for the Cambridge police, James DeFrancesco, said that no crime was committed and no arrests were made. " AND "The Bundesrat pushed aside criticism from consumer protection groups and passed the law, which makes it illegal for anyone to store DVDs and CDs without permission."

War Game - "Officials say it will teach kids to understand the "new reality"..."

Vulcan's Hammer - "The CIA's entomopter dragonfly's power supply and actuation system for its wings are still highly classified subjects."

Martian Time-Slip - "Odyssey's infrared camera then checked the daytime and nighttime temperatures of the circles and suggested they were, in fact, openings to subsurface spaces." AND "The future looks bright, humans."

Dr. Futurity - "To top things off, the robot surgeon in the sky will be remotely controlled from the ground..."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today?

A Maze of Death - "Within the next three decades, Russia wants to be the first to send humans to the red planet."

A Scanner Darkly - "We have estimated that CCTV cameras have cost the taxpayer in the region of £200million in the last 10 years but it's not entirely clear if some of that money would not have been better spent on police officers."

The Simulacra - "Shepherd today said she knows that the earth is round, but had a 'senior brain-poopy moment' yesterday."

The Variable Man - "The proposed technology enables the production of thrust at high efficiency, hopefully allowing drastic reduction of interplanetary travel time."

The Unreconstructed M - "Apparently, robot designers are worried that they're not creating automatons that are creepy enough..."

Ubik, A Maze of Death (again), Colony, We Can Build You, Autofac, The Trouble With Bubbles, The Owl in Daylight, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep ? - And probably most of his other stories as well...

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Gibby of the Week #35 - SG '61 Reissue Antique Satin Walnut

Trips off the tongue, doesn't it? ' SG '61 Reissue Antique Satin Walnut '. Surely they could've shoehorned the word 'Vintage' in there somewhere. Or perhaps 'Relic'. Anyway, another beautiful instrument, no doubt made to the very highest standards of workmanship and materials. And if you're a full-on Angus fan with a couple of grand to spare you will be after one, of course. But somehow, yet again, I can't imagine anyone playing it. At least, not regularly, as an instrument should be played. Ah well. 5 out of 10.

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today?

Thanks to the Black Iron Prison of my workplace, today's post is a little late. Perhaps someone can explain to me why it is that when people reach a certain level of remuneration, their brains are sucked out and replaced by dogshit. Firefox upgrading itself to version 2.0.0.7 and promptly losing all its extensions also did not help. In the meantime...

A Scanner Darkly - "Zooming in on a sunbather in a bikini as a demonstration is not likely to allay fears about how intrusive this technology might be."

Radio Free Albemuth - "The institute has for years served as the center of an obscure field of human behavior study -- dubbed psychoecology -- that traces it roots back to Soviet-era mind control research." [ Cheers once again, plotinus ]

The World Jones Made - "The gist of it is, members pay a hefty fee at the door to be allowed to... have sex with the animal of their choice - which is subsequently killed, cooked and served to the violator and his party for dinner!"

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "Everyone was very supportive and compliant."

The Minority Report - "They are noting people's race and they are writing down what people read."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

Sales Pitch - "Oh lordy, whenever they say "new paradigm," you know you're in for something fun."

The Divine Invasion - "The suit is Chambers v. God."

The Unteleported Man (aka Lies, Inc.) - "Conan! What is best in life?...Setting a paving stone on fire, bending over backwards and having it sledgehammered in half — ON MY COCK!”

A Scanner Darkly - "...every time, every theoretically possible image can appear."

We Can Build You - "...the goal is to "improve the ability of robots to grasp objects in unstructured human environments." "

Faith of Our Fathers - "Cosmologists are afraid – very afraid."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

Ubik - "Yes we are planning to be present on the IBM sim. But if they throw us out we have other alternatives for our virtual strike!"

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "As the kid writhes on the ground screaming for mercy, Kerry drones on in his school-principal-on-thorazine style."

Sales Pitch - "Bacak arasi," "koku," "insankokusu," and "yarak" are all Turkish words/phrases, meaning "inner leg," "smell," "human smell," and "cock (or any other derogatory term for penis)"

A Scanner Darkly - “Sir, this is an improvised electronic device. You will never be allowed to fly with this.”

Second Variety - "More than 4,000 small bomb-detecting robots are already clearing caves, buildings and bombs in Iraq and Afghanistan. "

Solar Lottery - "The paper said that he may have died from exhaustion brought on by too many hours on the Internet."

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The Minority Report - Communication & Preparation

Scene : A lecture hall. Sixty or seventy students sat in rows of plastic chairs, facing a stubbornly blank projector screen. Teacher, who we shall call Queen_of_Moans, sits slumped in a plastic chair to the side of the screen. Another teacher, who we shall call ForcedGrin, stands waiting nearby. Enter Palmer Eldritch.

Queen_of_Moans – [As if to to no-one] This isn’t good enough, I mean, I booked this room weeks in advance for this and now I find out there’s no network connection!

ForcedGrin – [Jacking face up a notch at the sight of Eldritch] Ah, here’s Palmer! Hello!

Palmer Eldritch – Hello. Apparently you need a network connection for your presentation?

Queen_of_Moans – [Deep sigh. Slumps back further in seat.]

ForcedGrin – Yes. We didn’t know there wasn’t one in here. I must say I thought there was.

Palmer Eldritch – There is, but it's at the back. I've been told that the one near the stage has been cut because of the building work.

ForcedGrin – Right.

Queen_of_Moans – [Clapping hands to thighs and leaning forward violently] Well, thanks for telling us! God, I wish somebody would just say!

Palmer Eldritch – Is your presentation in your personal folder?

Queen_of_Moans – Yes! Yes it is!

Palmer Eldritch – OK. What’s it called?

Queen_of_Moans – ‘Presentation1’. [A few students stifle giggles, Queen-of_Moans glares in their general direction]

Palmer Eldritch– OK, just bear with me a minute…[Eldritch goes to a computer at the back of the hall, logs on and retrieves the presentation, storing a copy on a memory stick and then logging off the machine.] Here we are. [Plugs memory stick into the teachers' laptop]. You should be fine now.

ForcedGrin – Thanks Palmer, I think we’ll be OK from here…

Queen_of_Moaners – I hope so!

Palmer Eldritch – OK [Exit, returns to office]

[Five minutes later. Eldritch is at his desk. The phone rings. It is ForcedGrin]

ForcedGrin – Hi Palmer, really sorry to bother you again but you know Queen_of_Moans' presentation?

Palmer Eldritch – Yes?

ForcedGrin – It doesn’t work…

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

We Can Build You - "We dare you not to get robot fever."

The World Jones Made - "...the bar itself will even be touch sensitive, allowing you to alert the bartender of your drink needs by simply laying your hand down."

We Can Remember It For You Wholesale - "...careers you hear associated with it always tend to have something to do with casinos and assorted add-on genitalia..."

A Scanner Darkly - "Surveillance is scary and when you're fearful you're not very productive."

Orpheus With Clay Feet - "The performance interfaces the human process between the thought and printed word."

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Gig Blogged #56 - Lords @ Susumi, Derby

Lords @ Susumi, Derby, Friday 15th September 2007

Now showing over @ palmereldritch.co.uk

UPDATE - Well at least you managed to score something against Australia.

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

Second Variety - "We reported that the Army was to deploy these robot killers to Iraq, but the Pentagon announced this weekend the Hunter’s first kill."

A Scanner Darkly - "It is extremely disappointing to see that the departments continue to believe that ISPs should be required to hand over potentially sensitive personal information without a court order or other judicial oversight."

Galactic Pot-Healer - "It's business time."

The Days of Perky Pat - "Jesus and Moses were sold out, but you could still head to the checkout counter with Mary, Noah, David and a ferocious-looking Samson, packaged with Delilah in hot pink."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

A Scanner Darkly - "Last night I robotripped my brain away. I was singing and dancing and eating cookies with Big Bird and his pal Snuffleupagus and then I talked to Edgar Allen Poe for an hour or so. Wow, what a great robotrip."

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "The Haringey heat map is now available online."

The Electric Ant - "Researchers say they're working on downsizing and hermetically sealing the implant so that it can fit inside the head and beneath the skin."

Shell Game - "This is where the Dark Web project comes in."

The Simulacra - "The combination of the two made me suspicious, so I asked, "Are you electronic?" -- a question that a human could parse, but not easily. The voice said something like, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you; I'll call back at another time." "

The Zap Gun - "The discovery, reported in the journal Nature, is a key step in the creation of ultrapowerful lasers known as gamma-ray annihilation lasers."

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep ? - "The founder created a robot clone of himself. It's got silica gel skin and seems not quite machine, which is unsettling."

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Gibby of the Week #34 - Les Paul Standard 50's Neck

It's Gibson Groundhog Day once more - after last week's 'Classic Antique' LP, we now have one in an 'Antique Vintage' finish. Spot the difference - even the pickups are identical. There's a '50s neck, of course, so make sure your glass case can be seen from below or each side to view its "rounded neck profile", even if you can't appreciate its "comfortable feel". How many wealthy axe fetishists are out there? At least 400, according to Gibson. 4.5 out of 10. Just like last week.

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

A Scanner Darkly - "Hedge fund money from the United States has paid for the development of not just better video cameras, but face-recognition software and even newer behavior-recognition software designed to spot the beginnings of a street protest and notify police."

Ubik - "While there's no word on a commercialized version just yet, the bot has reportedly served dinner for some 200 taste testers already..."

War Game - "We hope that the release of the Uncle Abdul figure will help to ironize the act of suicide bombing and acts of violence in general." [ 'Ironize' ?!?!?! I love Americanglish. ]

The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch - "Employing voice stress analysis of the user’s answers to specific questions, varying degrees of unhappiness are measured and the counteractive quantity of ice cream is dispensed: The more unhappy you are, the more ice cream you need."

The Man Who Japed - "He and his team of scientists, engineers and volunteers have been at work for years and plan to float the massive fruit sometime next summer."

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The Minority Report - The Big Red File

IT Tech 1 - IT Manager's desk is always so anally clear of shit, isn't it?

IT Tech 2 - Yeah. But there's a new, big, red file on it this morning.

IT Tech 1 - Oh yeah...there's a Post-It note on it.

IT Tech 2 - What's it say?

IT Tech 1 - [reading with barely concealed irony] 'Ideas. Plans. Thoughts. Strategies.'

IT Tech 2 - [incredulously] What!?

IT Tech 1 - It says 'Ideas. Plans. Thoughts. Strategies.' Seriously. Have a look.

IT Tech 2 - [looking] I always worry about people who feel the need to write that sort of stuff on a file, you know.

IT Tech 1 - Quite.

IT Tech 2 - And why is it on a Post-It note?

IT Tech 1 - Well presumably, if he doesn't have any ideas, plans, thoughts or strategies, he can take the Post-It off and use the file for something else...

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

The Pre-Persons - "Qu said doctors believe the woman's grandparents may have inserted the needles long ago, hoping she would die and her parents might have a boy in her place."

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "Investigators contend that Bull dumped the excessive condiments "on the whole hamburger on purpose." "

Counter-Clock World - "The 6 foot tube ended at a piece of 14x14 inch plate glass allowing Tim to gaze upward in the event that he was buried alive."

The Penultimate Truth - "After three years of development at ARDEC, the robots were formally approved for combat use in June. "

A Scanner Darkly - "Match the drug to the safety information taken from its warning label. Then tell us how you did."

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

The Penultimate Truth - "The place on Park Street in Dunn Loring, Virginia, looks pretty good -- four bedrooms, fireplace, garage, 2,900 square feet, a nice starter home in a high-end neighborhood full of spooks, think-tankers and ex-apparatchiks moved on to the nest-egg phase of their faceless careers."

The World Jones Made - "She pointed me towards Sensual Stoneworks, and I was shamelessly raped by a unicorn. I don't mind".

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - “I see butt cracks, a lot of butt cracks.”

The Days of Perky Pat - "This is a science fair project that I did in middle school and completely disgusted the entire female staff of Benton Middle."

Foster, You're Dead ! - "Get A Kit, Make A Plan, Be Informed and Get Involved."

A Scanner Darkly - "Used government covert surveillance tracking. No police to bid on this."

Stability - "...this could easily be used by robots to detect their owner's -- and future slave's -- state of mind..."

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FutureMerch #1 - Play Like The Pros

Time for a new feature, methinks. Something musical and light, to offset my weekly hand-wringing over the lack of imagination at a certain big-name geetar maker. Something to set us up for t'weekend. So it is that Frolix_8 brings you FutureMerch - band-brand ideas for a better tomorrow. Celebrity-approved, by people famous amongst those who know them. Patents pending on a Post-It note. All ideas copyright - do not duplicate, sell, talk about or email to your mates of a Friday because you're, like, bored. In fact, stop reading. Go here instead. They probably thought of these first anyway.

' Shred Zeppelin ' – Increase your widdle speed with the help of this handy, blimp-shaped finger exerciser. Clinically proven to give you stronger fretwork, better precision fingering and useful injury-prevention should you catch your hand in a door. Fully adjustable. No sharp edges. Safe when used as directed.
	' Plac-E-Bow ' – Like drone? Like guitar? Like protracted moods of depression and dread, coupled with paranoia and self-abuse? Then this is the muso-gadget for you, my melancholy friend. Add new levels of whine and angst to your drone - so nasal you can feel it. Ergonomically designed. Comes in various shades of black; Jet, Midnight, Grim Robe, Dry Blood, etc. Includes a free copy of Feel The Fear and Don't Do It, Just Contemplate Your Futile Existence in the Bathroom Mirror For Hours.
' Metal Licker' – A companion to the top-selling Shred Zeppelin, this headstock-mounted device plays back that tricky lick you’re learning at any speed until you get it right. Slow Satch down - speed Clapton up. This little box o' tricks can do it all. Bored with the lick? Simply hit the handy 'Randomise' button and re-order the notes. This will change the way you play guitar. Do not operate under conditions of human sweat.
	' MegaBreath ' – Recent developments in safe plastic surgery and essential body modification have brought about this handy, easy-to-apply lung enhancement. Increases o2 capacity by up to 400%. Recommended for vocalists and drummers. Improves posture for guitarists. Drastically improves energy levels in bass players. Signed liability waiver required.
' Lily Allen Keys ' – Never be short of the right hex again. They're small, they're portable, they're cute! In a variety of user-specified, eye-catching colours and fabrics. Not suitable for people under four feet or over six feet in height. Do not swallow.

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

The Gun - "It will be able to continuously monitor the assigned area, identify moving objects in it and shoot them if certain threat criteria are met."

Radio Free Albemuth - "In both cases, these hallucinatory voices spoke in very simple and short sentences mirroring her own real-life speech deficit."

The Divine Invasion - "The safety of the Pope has the highest priority."

Shell Game - "PROTECTOR is a fourth generation system qualified for global operations and tested under some of the toughest battlefield conditions to date."

Solar Lottery - "Everyone working on brain-computer interfaces wants to be able to identify words."

The Man Who Japed - "He said the prank was inappropriate and he "did not see the funny side at all''."

Clans of the Alphane Moon - "We are all so used to Ivan, they don't even give it a second thought."

Second Variety - "Zeno will be controlled wirelessly from your PC, but will also have, "His own moods," and make, "His own decisions." "

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Which PKD Story Are We In Today ?

Sales Pitch - "Demographics have shown that not only are FireFox users a somewhat small percentage of the internet, they actually are even smaller in terms of online spending, therefore blocking FireFox seems to have only minimal financial drawbacks, whereas ending resource theft has tremendous financial rewards for honest, hard-working website owners and developers."

Martian Time-Slip - "Nepal Airlines said the animals were slaughtered in front of the plane - a Boeing 757 - at Kathmandu airport."

Foster, You're Dead ! - "...the only thing truly disturbing here is how believable the site’s concept can seem, considering what’s really being sold out there."

The Mold of Yancy - "The religious right appears as gripped by the Giuliani story as the rest of the country."

Solar Lottery - "...the prospect of brain-controlled virtual joysticks has some scientists worried that games might end up controlling our brains."

Second Variety - "The winner will be the device that best protects servicemen and women’s lives by accurately identifying threats with the minimum of human intervention."


The Transmigration of Timothy Archer - "Professional and scientific psychology appears to have rediscovered spirituality and religion during recent years..."

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said - "Britain's 12-year-old DNA database is the largest of any country in the world, growing by 30,000 samples a month."

The Man Who Japed - "Bearded Orientals: Making the Empire Cross"

The Crack in Space - "In this contest you are asked to perform partial face transplants on politicians and celebrities. "

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